I am obsessed with Nine Inch Nails... again

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KAUF7e1GVrc

kind of nice, but also crappy

i left paradise

for the depths

of hell

they kept asking

when we would be able to see again

i told them i didn't have answers

the knowledge is always somehow already their's

i didn't pretend ever again

i couldn't

i left hell

and left paradise

dove backwards

to go forwards

again

we love backward when forward fails

so there i was

the rhythm of it capped off any thoughts

the buildings didn't collapse but the real estate was drab

you know these beach-side houses all the look the same

you don't even have to squint to see it all blur together

a death sentence i'd rather not have the pleasure of,

being here makes being rich and white seem really really really really really dissatisfying

no moving parts, yet

i threw off my skirt got into bed this was the end masked as the start but the start sounded nicer than this right now better than a lot of this like the people we left behind the ones we have feeble phone conversations with or the desperate 2 a.m.ers haven't come back to me yet i exchanged your face for a good night's sleep i have not accepted defeat nor have i took it off the table i await, undetected only does it come out in bouts of anger and separating myself from it. i have not lost yet because my attempts have been cowardly calculatedly less-than-whole-hearted and hopeless it takes a real coward to be hopeless it's gotten bad bad enough i can't recall the sincerity all the sincerity in the world can't hardly save me it's loose and careless, cracked it's taken so long to get the courage to go for something that might actually work.

fakers.

"It's free and always will be."

maybe i would have believed it three months ago

i know your freedom now

felt it wrap around my neck

and tug until im as blue as the profiles you supply us

like we aren't real until it's confirmed by some system

I DONT NEED FACEBOOK TO BE IN MY GENERATION

my generation died with the pleas of a good paycheck

shit's not there

we're fading exponentially

time doesn't fly it gallops away over the hills we don't climb

it escapes faster when we don't live for much of anything or anyone

in

the jobs we take and sit at for 3 years, wondering what happened to the claims that 'i'll never work here longer than a year'

but there's something every day

to have and to hold

not until death do us part, but

until the right temporary is ready to grow into constant

i feel it

no matter how weak the pulse or echo

i want my youth back

i want to be oblivious and starry eyed

i want the reason to be simpler for us to understand

but i want the complication to be what we desire more so

instead of this:

hopeless

stagnant

prepared

a victim to fine print

i reached out helpless

and helped myself

now, i live the decay better than most

but you'd be lucky to find a day i'd call my own lately

a passenger, i gave up the control

for motionless emotions

just worthless, never translated

and those who want to translate, can't

and those who could, don't

and that's

why

i've written it down for 10 odd years.

i don't want to marry you;

i want you to be the one to break up my wedding

i'll be dressed

real nice

in a black lace dress

holding purple and golden flowers

there will be witnesses there

to each person i've loved and lost

in my life

there will be ghosts there

waiting for the end

but how could you keep it like that?

how would we go on

how would we survive

we wouldn't survive this.

never.

and you'll know that

and so will i

but i want it over with

i want to murder this

my hands

have never tried

but i've gotten along

i'll get better soon

i will

i'll get along

i'll get better soon

i'll forget the vices

i'll keep it all tangled together

nicely

i'll keep this going as long as i can

until it's gone

and when it's gone

i won't be there to witness

they will

they'll see the final loss

the end.

but the ending didn't stop it.

together we live forever?

because i feel it in my bones

i will not have you until i'm gone.

"i don't know why i was going to cry …. i …."

"because you were alone"

you knew it. you've known it.

you've known it too well

that now you see it in me

the only one who sees my frailty

though it's there

for everyone

to gaze at

but they're fooled

somehow

i barely hide it anymore

i never did

but i've lost like anyone else

except

this time

you knew it

when i failed

i fought

but have not overcame

you never taught me how to win

but winning makes for a game

and this time,

it won't be worth chasing

when a resolution's in sight.