Two weighty, yet, realistic concepts. Except they're banking on variables like my mind let's me have this one, and perhaps, that some reader out there will get past the first few lines. I invite you to it. Not because I think it's worth your time, but because of the promise that it might be.
It was said to me once that when people write in an open forum such as this, or post their work for the goal of, eventually, other people to read it, that these things can get "preachy."
I get that. I feel that. Everyone rereads what they wrote and think, my god this is total crap. But, I think it undercuts our human interests to learn from each other to simply dismiss our own thoughts, to devalue them before anyone's really even seen them.
Afterall, most everything we do is for ourselves, even if it's in a convoluted way. We're not really writing for other people.
I'd be a liar if I didn't say this was for myself. I'm getting satisfaction writing this as we speak. We get satisfaction, we find meaning in sharing with others. that common bond.
Let me put it this way. We don't often get that connection. And I'm not talking about this sappy "ohhhh we need each other to feel as one with the earth and the stars and the moon." That's a whole different story. I'm talking about the small stuff.
We crave those small connections and when we finally find them, they transfrom into these colassal triumphs. In conversation, you're just chatting away about mundane instances and all of the sudden you start to agree with them.
They're making just way too much sense. Like, an unreasonable amount. And you feel LIBERATED. Like, YES, they get this as I get this. They feel like I do -- I'm not the only one.
These connections of humanity are there, they're just getting burried deeper and deeper until we sometimes barely recognize them when they're about to arrive.
A few major attributes shutout this connection to the world around us and subsequently, to the people around us who -- if you will -- create the streets, shops, resturants, jobs, the experiences, no matter how small, we have each day. You don't float around in a bubble seamlessly, untouched. Someone's had a hand in whatever affects you, from the gas station exchanges to the very labptop I type away at, someone, somewhere did that. And now you're doing it. And now I'm doing it.
And that's obvious. But it's not. It's one of those things where you can look at something so often that the tiny details start to become irrelevant, but to someone who's just seeing it for the first time, these details are glaring, sharp.
So. These connections. How do we get them.
Honesty. Not in the way that you need to be honest with someone because you respect them. Ultimately, that seems true, but it's not the most important right now.
Remember, it's all about you. But, by this time, you understand that you are actually a product of the people around you. So this "you" becomes a little more complicated. In it being all about you, you get so much more control. More than you or I could have ever dreamed of.
But fuck dreams right now, they are the cock teases of the subconscious.
Back to honesty and why it's better for you than you thought. Deception can be fun. Can be easier. And that's about it. But in honesty is the hard gritty details and the trust that when you reveal your true self or feelings that it's not going to be met with what you might fear. Usually, a fear of judgement of some sort.
So, in honesty, comes this perfect, grossly underplayed sensation. One that says, look here i am and if you don't like it, that's actually you're own problem. By being honest we eliminate that innate fear of wanting to be accepted and value what you are over what's accepted or thought to be normal.
I'm so sick of being scared. Being embarassed. That's what our society is infinitely. Think of one day you haven't been scared.
Speeing on the highway to work? We're scared, or at least nervious of getting pulled over by some cop. Scared we're not making enough money. Scared our boyfriend is cheating on us. Embarassed of singing out loud in front of random people we'll likely never encounter again. Scared we don't look a certain way or we look too much a certain way.
Scared our clothes aren't appropriate for a "work" circumstances. Scared to talk to someone on the street to ask directions. Scared to ask for anything really from anyone. Scared to ask simple favors from our "friends."
Embarassed of ourselves, embarassed of the whole fucking thing. And what for?
The more we're scared, the more insecure we feel about how we act, feel, look, are, the more preoccupied we become with the inconsequential. The less we recognize what can actually make us happy because we're so focused on not rocking the boat, or more eloquently put, managing this dissonance between being unbridled and fitting into every-day life situations.
We forget we could die at any time at all, the risks are just on the forefront of our consciousness when we're in situations where we can see the fall, see the faults in our safety.
Ah, the safety. This interesting term. I grasp it and than throw it back. I've grown accustomed to need risk but not in physicality, in the reality I'm creating.
When we tell each other details.
Details. Not cliches.
Example:
I like you so much I could cry.
=
Cliche.
When I see you, I get nervous. A good nervous. One I'm not used to, but where I don't want to fuck this up because I can feel that, this is a good thing.
=
Detail.
This is how we can connect with people. The devil's not in the details, the devil's without the details.
Half the reason we don't tell each other what we're thinking is because we've been taught that they're not going to care anyways. But caring is a broad term. Just because something doesn't immediately affect someone, doesn't mean they don't care. Small talk just doesn't have to be a load of bullshit.
I am forced to talk to people I don't know every single day.
I've learned to do it to the point where I actually crave it. I've recently become a Craig's List addict. I first can't get over how not-for-profit the site is -- how do the creators of it even make money? I find it astonishing. I also find it astonishing about how, with these connections, some retail is becoming obsolete. There's even a "free" tab where people who don't want crap can istantly find someone who does by posting an add for it.
I've seen everything from typewriters to boats to TVs to art supplies in these listings.
But why do people do this? Is it just because I'm in Madison and people kind of sort of give a fuck about each other here? No idea. Absolutely no idea. But i'd like to say, no.
People don't just willy, nilly give a fuck. In fact, we all pride ourselves on not giving a fuck because it feels good to be careless, to be free of anything that we could be attached to because nothing and I mean nothing can last forever in this world. And it's a cliche that hurts immensely when we find out it can and will be true not once, not twice, but constantly.
But that only complicates this more; people are giving a fuck about other people for no reason? Is this what she's telling me?
I don't know. I can only tell you what I experience and you can somehow apply it to your life. Or maybe you can't.
This is the risk involved with becoming entangled in anything: the chance that it somehow will not benefit you. Or worse yet, it will detract from you or your life.
That's where you're wrong. The risk and defeat is padded with this lasting experience. And the experience might fuck you up for years. it maybe in fact make you scared or sad or sucidal in instances where it's overwhelming like water into a running glass, overflowing. turn the handle. the water stops, but the glass is still full with the water no where to go until someone takes a sip.
Every person who takes the time to "give a fuck," is sipping from this glass. Chipping away at this fear, at this anxiety. Leveling things off.
And we take that risk that it could spill all over because we're thirsty. Insatiably thirsty.
We're all thirsting for it. For the people who can quench whatever we're looking for that particular day. Maybe it's a smile. Maybe it's a slap in the face or in the ass. But we need it.
I used to run away from needing anything, really. I never wanted to be the person that needed anything. What I needed was to not need anything. I'd search out relationships and people who overwhelmingly satisfied this need. But, it was satisfaction in dissatisfaction. I needed them to fuck up and let me down over and over, so it gave me an excuse not to have to care about them fully.
Something that terrifies me, but when I let them sip from me, I fear I'll never get that part of me back. But the reality is, they're going to take it anyways. We don't get to have these exchanges without that risk.
The same risk that we take when we're honest enough with oursevles to be honest enough with the people we interact with.
But that risk only shapes us, or at least makes for a bizzare story. So when I'm talking to someone, I try to push the envelope ever so slightly and break that threshold of inconsequential smalltalk. And it gets weirder and weirder because I find the more I talk to someone, the more i get to know these details about them, the more interesting they become.
Not with one person. It's everyone. Everyone has this potential for some type of connection, even a small one is valuable.
