more often than not

i more often than not
hear the phone ring
when it doesn't

i more often than not
have a craving for
something more

i more often than not
keep myself distracted
enough to function

i more often than not
keep you silent
but i still keep you
don't i?

i more often than not
think less
feel less
take less
can only find an identity with others in the room

i more often than not
take your suggestions
months after
it's pertinent

more often than not means nothing
when a single word
can change the status quo so swiftly
liquid to gas to solid
i've been in all three states
for so long
i
lost
my edges
and gained
nothing but
a false sense
of freedom
freedom to hide behind the vague
freedom from anything too courageous

it's only when i'm reminded of what i'm purposely leaving behind
do i feel anything worthwhile

two more

the worst part was
i knew i was inherently
good
enough
or at least i felt something when things were bad
but good and bad really have
nothing to do with human nature
there is
and there isn't
we are or we aren't
we do or we don't
whether it's good or bad
there's always something holding me back
from total destruction

i'm not saying im good
but i feel better
sometimes
knowing i'm not bad

---

i kept trying to describe someone
who wasn't there
because when i think of
"you"
100 people stream through me
like i'm constructing
a robot
to make something that once
felt perfect but that's useless now

and when i pictured the eyes
i saw so many different ones
why wasn't there a single pair?
why was i searching for the same distraction over time?

i guess
it was you
my best distraction
and every now and then it comes back to me
in fractions
which sum is never a whole.