moment crushed

she thought

love's been so normalized

how can we expect the exception

something

isn't 

right

love doesn't follow suit

in wedding plans

and posed photos

love's a lifelong pursuit

we come close

and then it ends

but really what's the difference

between almost 

and

the end

.

i am not scared of dying alone

Summer of Love

i am not scared of

dying alone:

i'm scared of living until i'm 97 watching everyone else around me float away like the sun dipping below the horizon, the bright lights quieted, and each day i fall further through a constant darkness like alice falling through the rabbit hole, clocks with backward time guiding my way


im not scared of losing what i have

well, yes, i am

but im also scared of not getting it
what's it?

it ....might be everything. it.... might be nothing.

im scared of missing one thing x100 things -7 things to the third power.

i laughable equation but never the less.


i am scared of

reality

but i either do have it or i dont have it, but usually its mine to encapsulate and buidling it with something as brittle as an ego;



i am scared of staying in one place at one time and wanting people who aren't mine

im scared i can't complete a thought without an interjection

i am scared of missing one single possibility because someone said no, because a sign said dont, because of someone else's arbitrary rule.

Zap

lost in a world of my own makings

i 

am

still

here

Morchax, blood work

it's simpler, and it doesn't sound good:

Photo Credit: Joy Kowald

it's simpler
and it doesn't sound good:
people close to you die
and then youre dead, too
except
youre still expected to do all the trivial items someone alive does

put on underwear
obey stop lights
crack jokes at appropriate times

pretend table clothes are necessary
follow dead-end office protocols
agree, to get by
agree, to get through
agree, to make due
be ontime
be uptempo
be up
be on
be.

what defines the outlines of "a life"
was cracked open
and the lava flows freely
quick to burn & harden over

what defines me
suddenly gone
and it'd be great to make that into a simile
but it isn't "like" anything

i've been writing since i can remember
horizontal blue lines, 3 hole punches and a red vertical stripe down the side define my childhood
so why can't i write something for him
why cant i hit my head against the wall until my eyes bleed out a pathos
to pen some pitiful masterpiece

WHY AM I NOT SADDER
why does it only come out in spells of disillusionment, that this is not a joke or a dream or a made-for-tv series

i realize how i cannot realize it.
 that this is mine
but like any true fear
i've not owned, i've not admitted it is part of me,
i view it as a floating body lodged inside my lungs, now
but circulating from body part to body part

there is no difference anymore
there's nothing between me and consequence

no other consequence could ruin me this well
take residence inside me, eating my thoughts and belching out my sanity

everyone mistakes destruction for charm
when they're looking to be saved from the thick mediocrity of decency.

drunk off the day i drink it through my skin and puke it out in conversations

drunk off the day i drink it through my skin and puke it out in conversations, sleep off the overdoses ready for more, its not our ability to survive but our ability to live with the disease

--

Whenever i'm a lone

with you

lines like love strokes, i awoke 

chocked with the pencil's end

--

most people are born normal

but like toast for breakfast

you choose it

--

the only people for me are the ones so overcome with their thoughts they stop in the middle of a sentence and 

--

the type of sadness that swells up in my belly

robust 

it bloats the body

and starves the soul

the type of sadness empathy can't rationalize

a type only numbness can pacify

because there aren't days like this

how could there be

in the best country on earth

when the best is beating our souls to death

we minimalize 

we accept

a shooting spree

like a hurricane

its science

out of our hands.

--

i overdosed on meaning and that's that feeling

where the introspect becomes life or death

is this my life

is this my life

this is my life

keep saying it till the words blur out

till the background becomes foreground to the whitest, most middle-class saddest story

sitting in the car my mom gave me, a station wagon, but fuckin never the less

forehead pressed to the steering wheel like it's going to push me the right way -- like there are only two ways to veer

eyes closed -- they say silence is golden but that shit is a tarnished silver collecting dust in the cabinet 

sometimes we take it out when we're at nice dinners, contemplating sex and what's next in undertones of polite conversation

What I've learned as a Journalist. Part 1.

Weirdly enough, I've worked at a weekly newspaper for about 5 years now.

To makeup for the extremely low $ compensation, I thought, why not compile the intangibles... At the very least, it'll be a good mental exercise and, well, other people can learn from what I've learned, too.

Credentials

About 3 years with my college paper.

About 4 years with two different area newspaper groups in Southern Wisconsin.

My current job I started before I graduated college in spring 2010 -- I had a low class load, and I started at 29 hrs per week (Basically so they didn't have to give me health insurance :) )

I was hired on as a proofer/ web person/ reporter, in that order. Today, I get to be a Page designer/ repoter / web person / photographer, in no order. And, ta boot, I get to be 35 hours a week -- allowing for vacations, sick leave and insurance. Thus, making me in a much better place than when I started.

Now that the boring (yet neccessary) parts are out there; let's begin.

What I've learned as a journalist (Part 1)

1. If you tell someone you're a journalist at a newspaper they:

• Can't believe that profession still exists
• Assume you should know every "big word" all the time, even in colloquial language, which, by the way, that's a "big word," but trying to use "big words" is some leftover bullshit from high school english class. The whole point of journalism is to communicate information in an efficient and concise manner. So, instead of saying "There's a lot of cats," and saying "There's a myriad of cats," you've just made an asshole of yourself. But really, even using the term "a lot" means exceedingly less to me than acutally doing some investigating and quantifying things. "There's more than 100 cats." Boom. Better info. = you're not a fucking asshole. Now, you're actually smart, not simply trying to be.
• Of course, there's room for style and eloquence in jounalism (and all things) but only a fool uses two words when one will do. (Thomas Jefferson quote, paraphrased, I believe.)

2. People are amazing, but they're also amazingly horrible. 

• Amazing
• I've met more people than I can count who I admire to this day for having the courage to share their story and for just what they've accomplished/edured/ or  done. Or simply just because they've really got something to say. 
• Like the woman who quit her high-paying job at Epic and is now running a nonprofit for kids triathlons that also benefits local schools. Talk about an amazing way to raise and distribute money to something that matters. Check it out at tri4schools.org.
• Or the woman I met who literally walked form Arizona to Michigan. I repeat. She walked cross-country, capturing her journey on a camera attached to her head where people could follow her journey 24/7. Why'd she do it? Partially because it was for an art contest, but also to show the generosity of people and the myth that it so dangerous out there. During her journey, she was taken in by people, given free housing and meals, and she never came across any one who tried to mug her. Mind you, she also had a macbook pro strapped to her. Weird. I know. But true.
• A 6 year old with juvenile diabetes who didn't cry about it but kept positive. 
• A woman who raised more than $8,000 in two years for juvenile research
• A family who adopted 5 orphans from Russia and Ukrane
• Several pastors who gave me a new perspective on religion that's easy to be sarcastic about. It's not so easy anymore, though, sometimes it slips through ;)
• Two local kids -- Kyle and Keem --  who had a hit on the radio when they were barely 18. When asked what it's all for: They're moms, they both said.
• A woman who literally was dying from a degenerative disease yet was one of the most positive people I've met
• The list goes on and on and on, for me.
• Amazingly horrible; I think you guys already know enough about this, huh?

3. Everyone's grammar sucks sometimes.

• About 9 times out of 10 people (mostly in Facebook arguments) who comment that someone is stupid because they've used incorrect grammar, I can find something grammatically incorrect in the sentence they used to comment on this. 
• It's quite laughable... again. Don't be a dick. Everyone slips up here and there, uses the wrong your or whatever. People who act like they don't have bigger problems than grammar. 
• That opens up a bigger point that, there's always, always, always going to be someone out there who:
• is smater 
• found out about it before you did
• is more willing to spend a ridiculous amount of time just to put themselves in a position where they're "right"
• Here's a secret: We don't have knowledge to hold it over someone elses head or to use it as an ego equalizer. 
• We have knowledge so it can be shared. So be happy you have some to share, and stop being so goddamn condescending.  

4. If you want something; ask for it. 

5. Assume nothing. 

• Assume nothing. (Just about the only thing worth repeating, because it's that important.)

6. Nothing is certain; so don't promise something you can't deliver. 

• That's nothing new; but still stands as a good reminder. 

7. People will almost always give you want you want, you just...

• Have to know how AND when to ask for it. 
• Learn how to carry on a conversation that makes someone feel like they want to help you not because your minuplating them, but because you genuinely are communicating with them on all levels. 
• Have to know when to choose your battles.