no beginnings left

no beginnings left

we're in an ending state

we're in the aftermath

and it dropping, quietly


i don't care about your phone
you have 17 different ways to communicate with me
but you don't even know how to
resurrect your thoughts
to form a comprehensive thought
to utilize any of this

in fact
we've forgotten how to make phone calls
or more so, what their purpose is

i want to remember what my voice is for
instead of it eating at my triangular, triggered tabulations

what have i done
i numb what's most potent in me
i numb who i am to cope with the people who aren't me
my untailored tougne
my disheartened ... heart

all i want to do is spread the meaning
and set you freer than you ever imagined
but
most
are too weakend for that
by now

and i tell you
"i hope you find what you're looking for"
but do i?
i want you to one day find me
alone and undesperate
find me like we hadn't danced this dance
and i know we have for eternities
but once it starts
stopping isn't possible
i kiss your lips.
neck.
chest.
the puncture wound remains as steady as the first try.

shitluck bar.

and i've mostly got shitluck
sitting at a hotel bar

but when the luck finally comes
when it does
i'll watch it from the grave
but celebrate it all the same.

i used to believe in selfless love

its easier to care about people you dont love
and hate the people you do

i have a hard time with
selflessness
because i want distraction
not affection
i want detachment
not attraction

i used to believe in selfless love
i thought i practiced it
i thought for sure

and then one day you realize it's all poetic bullshit where the drama trumps the actuality so fast and so passionately, that it seems nothing else can be truer

i was wrong.

giving up yourself
for someone else isnt
selfless
and it isnt love
its cowardly

fog my vision
cloud my mind
so i forget
how fucked up i really am

im sorry
its you
and its me

and what i want more
than someone to watch films with
and someone to hold hands with on long walks in the sun
and to touch noses with
and hug for absurd amouts of time for very little reason
and do cute gestures for

is someone to sit me down
look me in the eyes
and tell me what's wrong with me
tell me what's wrong with them

and reveal that's somehow OK

NOT because we love each other
but because we understand each other
on a level most others don't

and we dont have to try
we cant not get each other
it wouldnt make sense
to walk away from that