I was 16. A boy who was 15 in my study hall told me, out of no where, that he would give me $20 if we went out to my car and I gave him a blowjob.

I was 14. I was using MSN messenger when a new person added me as a friend. They sent me a message. And when I clicked on it, it was a video of him sitting with his d*** out in his hand. It was the first time I saw one.

I was 16. I went on my first official date. Days later the boy tells me his father asked him of the date, "Did you pinch her clit?"

I was 20. My boss came in in the morning and kissed me on the cheek. It wasn't uncommon for him to do this to other women, too.

I was 22. I went upstairs at a party to go to the bathroom. A drunk guy upstairs tries to make out with me, but I divert and go to the bathroom instead. The next day he tells all his friends I made a pass at him. They still believe him to this day.

I was 24. I told him I liked his music. He messaged me. It was really exciting to feel like I was connecting with one of my favorite artists. 10 minutes later, he asks me what I'm wearing.

I was 25. A co-worker texted me he was going to send me a photo of his d***. I said no, please don't. He continued to text me 20 times a day. I called him and told him, I'm sorry I don't feel that way about him. He tells me it was all a joke. He continues to text me, asks why I am not wearing makeup today. The harassment continues. I contact HR. They say there is nothing they can do if he is texting me off company time.

I was 28, and at a small bar. A drunk man kept yelling things at me, and when I tried to leave, he grabbed my butt.

I was 28. I went to a concert with him and his friends. I had a boyfriend at the time. He was dropping me off, grabbed my face with both hands, and said "I want a kiss." I ran out of the car.

when you have to wonder

addicted

prone, bone, moan, tone, foam, shown, loan, hone, 

oxy codone

i used to write as a way out

now i do it to get the cliches out.

one line and i felt fine

now it’s more like

9 lines, near-rhymes and 

nothing good enough to call mine. 

i used to say i need a man who can break my legs

but i just need a man who can break the silence

from my heavy set eye lids, cuz i’m not 

I’m not not calling you because it’s inconvenient

And how many hours did i listen to your heartbeat that day

that i stole your precious little heart away, and you impressed me

each day but your fears are confirmed in the murmuring of my company

then the beat breaks and i bite til it goes numb

“texts say that it’s not fair”

that’s code for my last fuck was better but didn’t make me want him as much as you do

actions are just gestures to half-remember

***

for the first time ever — i fucking chose love. 

cuz if i don’t give it a fighting chance now, I won’t ever. 

i’m never afraid, only ashamed

i learned what shame was the other day

it is not the bathroom floor

it’s hitting the ground, untested

he said, "i’ll enjoy seeing references to me in your next poems."

but you didn’t even know when I referenced you in the first place

it’s sad because 

your heart beat is not irregular 

i can feel it with the stomping of your feet on the stairs as you drag them after getting home from work

cuz that’s your heart

dragging

it’s boots are brand new but bought with the blood

you don’t even know you’re losing

Sparks in Space

It's in the quiet spaces
In the last sip of coffee
Not in the spectacular moments
Nor the ones where you least expect

It's in static
The dead spaces
The ones no one will remember in a few days

In the nothingness
In the places so silent a coins dropped sounds like a clanging symbol

It's in glances and eye lashes batting

In the slight movements of chopsticks

In casual steps and loose hairs

With no words
No music
No hums
Or snaps

Without the noise of thinking
It lies and falls over its self again and again
A tumble weed in the desert

Where and when it'll stop
We aren't certain
We aren't anything
We have no voids to fill
Nothing to gain
We simply are when we are
We simply are where we are
We feel less than two
We are not two when we are one
We are one
We are in love.

Rules.

I'm watching a little boy on the train eat cookies and stare out the window happily even at a cloudy sky.

Kneeling, His legs fitted in plaid shorts, red and white checkered socks and blue sneakers , his grand mother carefully placed as to not let the bottoms touch the seat even as he gets lost in both his crunchy cookie and viewing session.

Buildings zoom by, as he stares contently,

We see the same world
But how different it must be. He stares at it like I stare at my iPhone

His grand mother caters to him. A bug crawls up the white wall.

Tired, he lays down. A seemingly natural course. His grandmother removes his shoes and lays a small hankerchief on him. But he pulls it off.

He hasn't learned yet that you're suppose to sit on a train, even when it's not crowded, not lay!

His little body fully horizontal now, his hands, his feet twitching. eyes open.

Soon, he'll know better.

I think about that phrase, to know better. As if, as we become adults, we improve our lives by getting to know the unspoken rules of our society. But we aren't living better, isn't it just surviving.

Finally, he's only watching the back of his eyelids now. One leg up on the wall and a hand hanging down, too short to even touch the ground not even a foot away. Shoes off. Chubby little mouth half open.

I had seen this before. Not in miniature form. But I'd seen this same train pose.

like a drunken salary man who likely occupied this train not 12 hours ago. With shoes off and body parts astray, passed out after working from morning to night fall.

While one mimics the other, the little boy is breaking the rules , while the man is being broken by the rules.

The only difference being that the boys grand mother covers him back up with her hankerchief and her own coat and watches over him.

Yet, the salary man's fate isn't one we care about. You see, he should have known better.

Fans

without fantasy, there is not survival

The Type

he's the type you just want to be a part of anything he's done
even his own demise
or yours

and the pretty girls just stay pretty
they don't change
they don't become anything

Tsukiji Area, Tokyo

Way more than that

They don't play em

Much anymore but when they do ... 

I lay in your bed with a new breathing problem

It's 13 pounds and lying directly on my lungs 

your cat 

I'm not complaining exactly, because it's little white paws are so cute and honestly I need to extra affection but 

The whole breathing thing 

It's better than not doing it

So I grab him

Like I want to grab you

But rated G.

And squeeze him under the red sheets while you're off at work. 

See I don't have work because I quit my job a month ago, after 4 years, I quit my job after college 

Being in your apartment in a suburb of Cleveland was as weird as the 4 years I spent after college feeling caught between stability and suffocation 

I was a house wife for 7 days. Drove my Honda Civic to a nail salon because I had never been to one before. 

Told them I was new in town. 

That day, I stopped the movie, hit menu. 

And created deleted scenes. 

Cuz I've done crazy shit that mother could have easily told me not to do. 

But that would have left me always wondering what if, about things that didn't even deserve a "what" in the first place. 

She did my nails

And they looked like shit. 

When you get home, you get high

When you get high, you let yourself get low. 

I've never met anyone so lonely, yet so in love. 

I

Never believe ppl love me.

But I believed you. and that was the first time since 2009, when, he told me the mark on his neck wasn't a hickie, but then she told me the sheets on his bed were also red. She was right, and the wine I would kill my brain with after was also a shade. 

I don't know why you still wanted me. Even years later. I guess it doesn't really matter. But it would be better if you forgot about me after instead of before. 

I don't blame them

For not knowing how to react to my chemical bonds. 

Just

Know that before you say I love you, first, you should fuck it up way more than that.